It’s been one year since I started unveiled. I miss my counselor a lot. Knowing me, I do not keep in contact with people very well. It’s hard for me unless I know we are doing something purposeful. I’m not good with having fun unless there is a reason for it. Unless there is a passion for me to do it.. which there usually isn’t. I’m an expensive girl. Whenever I go to a store, I end up liking not very many things, but when I do, it’s usually expensive.. (or maybe it’s bc everything these days is expensive). But more than that, traveling is expensive… the cost of leaving my kids behind… the cost of not having a job.. at all or having one and leaving it.. either way, it seems like I’m always at a loss. God always surprises me last minute. Sometimes I feel like it’s a test, but other times, I’m just not having faith.. it’s definitely a sign of the past. Although not everything is a sign of having abuse, most of the things in my life do seem to point to it. Especially with not feeling safe with people I don’t have established relationships with. It’s easy meeting strangers you’ll never see again, but it’s hard having deep relationships. Most of the time, I’m always quiet. There are few who understand me. I once had a friend who said she could never predict what I would do next. I’m definitely unorganized and I like doing things that aren’t in order. People who are ordered have scared me and I can sense their orderliness immediately. It’s the discipline I guess. I need to understand it. Despite all this, Jesus somehow told me read those books from last year.. I skimmed it.. realizing everything related to Easter.. how much Jesus understood my abuse. There are questions I’m still asking… like people who do believe in Jesus, why does abuse still happen to them? It seems like free will and love play a role….., but at the same time, it’s hard for me to understand whether God does something during the abuse or is doing something after the abuse has stopped. I have questions for women of all different ages, different cultures, different lifestyles, different socioeconomic backgrounds, what would I say if they asked me about God and why these things happened? I know that for me it’s beyond comprehensibility and at times I do accept them, but other times I want to get closer to God.. just to understand His infiniteness…. I’m thankful.. for this last year.. for lasting friendships… and knowing there is a few people who understand me.. maybe it’s enough… and maybe I just felt safe in that nest and God wanted me.. somewhere else….I’m joyful to be here… to always be in God’s presence.
Woke up early to go to the FBOP meeting that is mandatory for the first two years. I just want to get it over with next semester. I’m extremely tired. I although I was going to have a couple of hours to study today. At least I reviewed a little bit at the meeting, but it’s not enough to feel accomplished. Lately, its been feeling like that, I cannot concentrate on anything. It’s really because I’m lazy and I’m tired and all I want to do is sleep. What God does not like is laziness, but I need rest and I feel like I can never get enough of it. Especially if my stress levels are high, I need to compensate by 10 hours of sleep, which I never get. I don’t thinK I can bear anymore children. It’s the reason why I’m always to tired is thinking about what I need to do for them and sometimes I don’t even feel like I have enough discipline to make them healthy human beings or just beings of the earth that can prosper. I really need Jesus. Thanks for the grace, but I really need more discipline right now.. and also, need discipline to set aside time for rest. I feel like I’m always doing something… It’s aggravating.
When you’re young, you live because you live. Then you start questioning things. But one particular question stands out, why? What is our purpose? I’ve been questioning this for awhile and since I was young, I’ve gotten pieces of my answers. When I was abused, I forgot almost everything. The only thing I was hanging onto was Jesus. Even though I couldn’t hear His voice anymore, I still felt Him. I still cried out to Him and after awhile (it felt like forever), He answered. He rescued me. Then, I found my purpose again. It was slowly unveiled to me. As I started going to Asian Bible study, I felt God taking away my chains. I felt God in my heart because I felt His people come to rescue me. I found a community. Sometimes it feels like no matter what, something always bad happens to me, like mishaps where I am to blame and at times, I know I’m not and then I run away, but I stayed. I stayed for awhile and endured and yet, that place still feels broken. I think God wants me to hear something for myself this week. A purpose for me to be connected to people and I’m not sure if I’m ready to face it. I also felt Him speak to me and it was affirmed when I read the pamphlet from the Calling Lab I went to last year at my old church. I completely don’t regret going. I learned so much about myself that I never knew. And still these last two weeks when I haven’t gone to any church activities outside of Sunday mass, God has revealed so much that I need to grow in. I wonder if I’ll grab His hand..TIGHT. I wonder because I hesitate soo much. It’s scary the way i live, I just let things fall behind the cracks. And yet, God loves me.
One thing that’s scary is that, I hardly know what’s going on. I feel like God wants me to grow and it’s not in church, it’s in pharmacy school. He’s forcing me into leadership and yet, it’s not really forcing because I opted into it. He’s sneaky and scandalous and I love Him. I love my Father, and I don’t understand His grace. Every time I think about it, my brain goes nuts and something in my heart just feels a deep sorrow, but also a forever happiness..and a collision happens where the good wins over the bad. It’s confusing to me because I see church as a supplement to my growth. I used to think it was the most important thing, but it’s really, being intentional with God everyday and meditating on His words and listening to Him to give me revelations and letting Him in… I see that it’s not His revelations that matter, but Himself who gives… and I quickly forget what He did for me because I’m so astounded by His beauty, His worth, His gloriousness, and I sit there trembling at His presence that no one else can see, but those can experience can understand me, and our relationship with Him…
So glorious are His revelations that I started laughing at how strange a fruit can be such a great example of how our life was before God and how our life is after we got to know Him. It’s like experiencing a durian, where a durian stinks before you even get to know it, and after you taste it, it’s still pretty bad, but then you slowly get used to it. It could be that it’s still pretty heavy in the beginnings because of the sins we have, but as we are growing in obedience, His sweetness becomes more sweet, more fragrant and the more we want Him just like tasting a durian more and more. And I just keep pouring out how amazing He is… as His revelations are.
I hate communication so much. I do see that it’s something that we all need to get better at and it’s something beneficial to this world, but I look forward to heaven where I do not have to be forced to communicate.. or maybe the heaven will be where people can all communicate well. Anyway, whatever it will look like, the reason why I always suffer from misunderstandings is because I can never get my ideas across and also because I give up talking because I don’t think people will be able to understand me or because I give up on myself and don’t think I would be able to grow. Anyway, it’s always a challenge to what things are gonna be like in the future.. ‘cause I’m always getting into these terrible silent fights. Thanks to those who stay on my side and don’t run away from me or those who chase after me because I’m the type to run away and hide. #confessionsofaHeather
Maybe I should keep a log of my confessions???