when I’m sick, I really hate being around people. It’s not that I really get scared of getting them sick, even though I do. I just seem to always say the wrong things.
Yesterday I took a test and this second year told me her test was hard and she thinks she didn’t do well. Then, after that, I’m just mumbling saying “that’s good”… when I didn’t even fully get my words out cause my throat and my brain weren’t coordinating.. when I meant to say “that’s good that it’s over with.” Now my brain is replaying that scenario over and over again.
I feel like I probably did that multiple times today… or something without even realizing it because when I’m sick, my brain itself feels tired and cannot logically think for it’s itself without thinking about what to say before hand rather than just saying it. It’s like I have to plan my thoughts in order for everything to be perfect.
I’m really glad God wants an honest relationship with me even if I make a bunch of mistakes. I’m glad our relationship isn’t based on if I have to do things for me or not. I’m glad it’s based on having a relationship at all.. and how happy He is if I decide to say something to Him or confess something or just do anything in general that warrants a relationship.
I get tired of hearing me doing stuff for God. If I wanna do something for Jesus, I’ll do it. If I don’t, well, I don’t. I think Jesus would be disappointed in me, but He won’t love me any less. I’m just tired of being forced to do things. I want to do it out of wanting to do it and maybe it’s just because I do because I love Jesus. Other times, I’m just too exhausted and I know Jesus wants me to find rest instead of working hard to so many things for Him. He knows I’m human. He knows my limitations.
And accused you of jealousy when you aren’t even the type to be jealous.. and then you thought you became jealous, but you really weren’t only because you were trying to change the person because they didn’t know how to love you… knowing it is better than not.. and knowing that even though part of you was wrong, its better to be angry and forgive…. than to avoid the truth…
I notice this happens to me. People tell me who I am and they aren’t right especially if it’s a bad thing. I am usually misunderstood for my intentions.. and I start believing that what they say about me is the truth.
Someone started teasing me with another guy and I thought I liked him, but I didn’t know him and that rationality made me figure out that I didn’t. Praise Jesus for logic.
I really hate this word “deserve.” People always say that you do get what you do deserve. I don’t think that’s what happens. There’s plenty of people in this world that their hurts are created because of circumstances that shouldn’t be a part of this world. There’s also plenty of people that get all the things they want and you never know, maybe they’ve done bad things. Nothing is ever weighted equally in this world and if it was, you probably wouldn’t know anyway. There’s only one true judge in this world and that judge is not doing anything about that now because He gives us free will because He loves us. His love for us allows us to do crazy things in this world, crazy good and crazy bad.. at the end of Revelations I read somewhere that if you know someone who is doing something bad, that it’s better to let him make his own decisions than to force him to make another decision even if it is bad because that is love, allowing that person to make a mistake and letting that person figure it out if that was a mistake or not. Anyway any of these people in the scenario, I would never say they would get what they deserve unless the judgement is from the Father, the one who is love and is truth and is all the things in life that lasts… the one who knows all knows how exactly to judge and that is saved for the end.
I wish I could quit facebook. I have a terrible addiction when I’m studying to use it as an excuse. =.= I tried before, but the pharmacy study group is on there. =.= Gah, when did social media have to be come so useful?
I had an unexpected conversation with a friend today. It’s been really hard on me this semester because I feel like my nurturing side is coming out even more and I’m just always trying to hold it back. It’s scary because I have this love-hate relationship with love. It’s because I had things that are sappy and make me cry, but I like it at the same time. =.=
I just felt really sad for this couple because one side I definitely know loves Jesus, but the other side definitely I know just decided to convert because of the girl he likes. It’s like I both met them a while ago and only knew the girl, but now I’m becoming friends with the guy. I know the girl would never get jealous of me being friends with him because it seems like his relationship with her friends isn’t working out because of all these rumors. How their relationship is not well because of these rumors preventing people from getting along with him or at least trying to be friends. Rumors can definitely hurt a person’s relationship and a person’s reputation. I hate how this society is all about protecting yourself and who you are when ultimately we should be open. I know I am a hypocrite because there are times when I do protect myself, but I’m always trying not to. These days it seems harder than before because of meeting and getting to know new people and I wanted to take it slow. Anyways, it hurts me to see how in this relationship I don’t want to judge but I’ve heard both sides and I can put the pieces together, but it seems like one side won’t forgive, but is really attached and just wants to be loved rather than to love because they think they can’t. The other side does seem to sacrifice and put everything behind them. I wonder would it last? Jesus is defintiely needed here as always
I’m so ready for this semester to be over. I can’t even focus on studying. I wonder if 3 weeks is enough to recover and be ready to hit the books again… I wonder…
Feeling alive means your heart getting hurt especially when you know things aren’t right.
I hope everyone finds a place today to spend thanksgiving.
It’s really because God’s in control of my life. No matter what, it’s true. I’m only in control of who I am and I have to step my foot out just even a little bit and God just comes rushing in. I run away and I know I want him to chase me and He does. Probably ‘cause He knows and He does he does it. God’s the only mind reader in this world. That’s why I want to spend the rest of my life with Him a lot more than other people. I know I’m lazy. I got to do some work.
The main reason why I’m writing this is more and more I’m realizing that God did put me in this role, to say to people that pharmacists who do their job actually do care if they take time to listen to you and ask you what you need. They aren’t just pill pushers which is something I’ve heard often when I just started pharmacy school. My pharmacy comrades are probably the most supportive and understanding and super caring people right next to the people I met in high school. It makes sense, we were always close knit. We don’t just meet the few times a week, we do stuff together. Even though they are 45 minutes away and even though I do feel sad that I wasn’t able to spend as much with them as I do want, I feel their love like so strongly. For some reason, they’ve caused me to drop my defenses and be free all over again. I have a feeling the people at my new church will help me do the same.
We were studying today and building each other up. I just saw so much positive qualities in them despite seeing the silver lining (which is healthy for my personality because I’m so complacent and believe in them.. I’m grounded in what is here on earth). I saw just a glimpse of what God’s community is supposed to look like… in my pharmacy community.