My name is Heather. This is where I chronicle my life and interests and other things I find neat.Ask me anything
I dream about things a lot. Some of them are things I want to come true for others or myself or just for things to be. I know some dreams of mine are parallel to God’s Will like healing for the abused (which is like the whole world) and for the homeless to be helped. More and more I wish I could be a direct part of these dreams.
At times I wonder why I’m doing things like this. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted to be a doctor, but I know that healing was something I was always aiming for. As a future pharmacist, it feels like it’s more preventative.. preventing people from choosing the wrong drug or preventing them from taking the drug wrong or just anything people would use over the counter in the pharmacy. I like pharmacy because you have to know how to eat well along with your medications.. such as a schedule for everything to be optimized.
Anyway, the dreams just seem futile without faith. I’ve had a really hard time believing. It’s been like that for a month now. It is a season and it’s just hard for me to accept because I feel like God has provided so much for me that I’ve felt so loved and He still is, but I just feel like my faith is weak. I want to dream big dreams and have them come true. Maybe I’m just impatient and I have to wait for my fruit to grow, but that’s something I’ve been wanting for so long and I think this is one thing I have to keep waiting for because my collection of dreams will get bigger and bigger.
These days have been rough. It seems like one day I’ll be sick and another I’ll have a headache. Then, I somehow get back together and just keep moving forward. Each time, with rest, and then steadily moving forward. It’s been really hard changing churches and going to pharmacy school. A lot of the people who used to be supporting me are not around me… a lot of people who I felt loved me so much, I just felt like I could do anything.. they would say these things to me and I would just be affected. Maybe it’s because they knew exactly what to say to me and exactly what to do… I felt like they grew a lot. Now it’s my turn to be around people who don’t let God do the work. Sometimes I just feel conflict… sure people may be prophetic, but if they don’t say things with gentleness or don’t let Jesus take the ropes of transforming peoples hearts to do things.. then I just fall prey to be annoyed. I’m definitely never the type to create conflict, but inside of me, I just feel like my insides are being eaten up by words by what I’m not sure if truth or not. All I know is that I have to take a side in order to not be ambivalent. One of the things I’ve been struggling with is giving money to the church. The bible does say give 10%. Of course, i want to follow rules.. but I was just reading the Bible and it said that following the law wasn’t foremost.. it was the grace of God that was most important. Living under the grace of God more than all the rules that were ever made by God because those rules became subject to God’s grace. Maybe that’s why I get annoyed with this church… I feel so much more grace at my past church. I do love this church a lot, but there’s just so many differences.. and where I feel loved is where I was before. One reason why I felt like I left was because God wanted me to do the work of love. I feel like He wanted me to serve and give my heart to others. But to me, it’s the love that needs to move, not the thought of giving without any warmth… I’d rather pray and have God move in my life, so I’d see God’s work in me. I’d rather wait and pray…. I’d rather do that.. than to be blind to rules..
I’m growing in conflict. I never thought I would be sharpened like this.
My presentation is in 5 hours. I only did the ppt. I’m in the middle of preparing what exactly I’m going to say. It’s sad to know that I’m not a good improviser. Otherwise, I could just be comfortable figuring out new things to say during the powerpoint and actually remember to say the important parts. Nope, I usually forget. I’m gonna bring my sheet of paper with all my extra notes just in case I don’t get to 8 mins. Last semester, it was hard enough talking for 7 minutes.
I’m also thinking too much about how much I don’t want to do this, even though it conflicts with my values of actually doing it because its homework. And it’s something I actually have to do and not turn in for only a measly amount of points. I wish. I am tired. I woke up so many times this morning because I didn’t want to wake up.. which defeats the point of the alarm clock cause it only makes me more sleepy.
Oh yeah, and you have to pay to watch the Olympics if you don’t have cable. I’m so sad. It feels like my life is ending… only the more you feel these emotions, it’s like the more you are living.. but I’m slowly getting drained…… the life of an introverted thinking. ;/ thoughts going at 4 million miles/hour
Food poisoning 2nd time around. I have no idea what’s going on.I don’t know why this keeps happening on days where I have school. I hate feeling pissed and sad. It just feels like I’m going to explode.
In all many years of being alive, I honestly don’t remember what food poisoning is like. It feels like my memory is all gone, but that there’s some sort of familiarity with the feeling of this type of vomiting. Of course, I’m less used to it than getting headaches. Headaches are so much more bearable to me because you can take medicine, but for this I don’t think there is much you can do to prevent the vomiting.
I’m thankful for many prayers. I wish I could be more sincere about it because I’m often not very openly thankful for things. I remember when I was young, I would say “please, thank you, sorry” so many more times than now. I wish I was like that now. There are so many things I need to just go back to and other things I would like to move forward with. It’s like you reverted back to your worse self, but you had a better self you progressed to… and yet, there is still so much more to progress to.
There are still things I question… how God is good. I do know God is good, but it’s a personal struggle with sickness for me. I hate being sick, especially vomiting. I always thought it was the devil trying to take a foothold, but it just seems like the world’s poison rather than the devil. Ultimately, I know God is good because of His grace.. in the things that I personally know that is a part of my human nature sin, but when it comes to the environment and other people not being to forgive me for mistakes.. it’s always the outside factor, that I wonder if God is really good because it’s something not under my control. In the end, it’s always God who lets us love freely.. that’s His grace for not controlling us…and it’s becuase of our imperfections of the world and ourselves that we have to be careful to know the truth. And it’s always good to be honest with what we see in life because God will reveal to us our questions.. because He answers every prayer.