Witnessing the Healing Power Of God

It’s scary to love people.

It’s scary because sometimes you wanna lay your life on the line for them, but that means giving up your own pride. I feel like this is what Jesus is calling me to do. 

It’s scares me just because sometimes don’t even know if Jesus would do it this way, but if it makes sense with the mind and the heart in the sense that you are really loving them than yourself, then maybe it’s the case. Sometimes I just see it as loving them more than me. I’m not so sure if I’m loving myself equally. It’s easy for me to just give up things for myself and back away from people. I don’t want to be put in a position of denial or a position of weakness. Denial is worse the weakness because in a sense, God calls us to show our weakness so His strength could be shown. 

I don’t want to be a pushover anymore. I don’t wnat to be abused by people anymore. I really want to do something for people because I care about them. Sometimes it feels like I’m just pleasing this person just to get it over with and allowing myself to be abused. If I really did care about them and loved them, then it wouldn’t be called abuse because I would own up to the pain. If I people-please, this wouldn’t be the case, I would be in denial of actually trying to love myself. I would wind up being hurt by these people. 

I wonder if I’m hurt because of my own sin or just because this pain is leading to something deadly. 

How did Jesus know what to do? I wonder if He ever faced jealousy in these terms. I honestly, really want to care. I guess I was forgetting about them and then faced the realization that I do miss that I do want to care. Sometimes it feels like people in relationships only care about each other and their own personal gain from being in their relationships. They do have a right to do so, but in some terms, it feels like they forsake their friends. They sacrifce their friends for each other. Most of the time, I’ve always been that friend. I’m thankful for those people whose girlfriends and boyfriends show such love to me… such grace that causes me to cry and love them more. that love that allows me to forgive. Sometimes it feels like when I show love, I’m not really sure if it is loving. I don’t have the confidence right now. I hope in the future.. I could feel the tremendous love of God with the people who have repeatedly disappointed me because sometimes love seems fake unless there’s a wild turn or unless you know that person has always treated you that way. When they first treat you well and then soemthing happens, it’s as if the heart as a hard time forgiving because of betrayal. My soul… is at stake… is that what it’s like to love? I don’t think so. 

I think to love, there are ways we protect ourselves that we shouldn’t. I’ve been trying to let go of those things and as a result denial has left and depression has come. In these moments when friends hardly know what you are going through, it seems like they aren’t being compassionate. It seems as if they are attacking you. I’ve always wanted to believe that every human being has a good side that they choose to release, but there’s always those intentions that you aren’t sure about. That’s why I’m skeptical and maybe at this point in my life, I don’t understand God’s truth, but I want to. I want to know God on a deeper level. It’s more important than any of my relationships with humans. It should like this with every human… so that we would be able to love each other better. Let’s just grow together… and focus on something greater than us, so we can decrease. 

Time for some Almond Vanilla Ice Cream? who’s with me? :)

Realization of Laughter

All this time, I figured laughing was a way to hide things. I remember from my past, it was one way where I enjoyed making people laugh when they were sad. I just enjoy making people laugh whenever… I still think this is a healthy way of living.. enjoying life. To me, I’m not ignoring the pain or at least before I wasn’t, but lightening the pain. 

I still do it now. I still laugh in times when the pain is bad, but I still feel the pain and I still know that I am in pain, I guess it’s something I should still keep in check, so that the truth will still surface. However, I should try not to laugh in times when it is definitely inappropriate even though my comfort level would decrease. I should speak to someone about this.

Crashing like the waves hitting shore unceasingly

My emotions are like waves hitting the shore. Continuously, a flood of emotions in different levels seems to be uncontrolled, but rhythmic. It explains that steady, safe feeling that a baby gets when mommy rocks it. At the same time, it’s moving… rocking from safe to unsafe. That is my feeling for the last month.

It’s clear that God is near. It’s clear that there is no other replacement. It’s clear that my heart is devious, always trying to make the world a safe haven. Even in people, the confidance issue is unsafe… but the levels of safeness, I suppose are good enough - knowing which to share our secrets with. 

Lord, would you piece my life together? I’m always in a dilemma…. especially with people who have lost hope.. I’m like a seed… put into this rocky soil.. and I don’t thrive……. I need some good soil, Jesus.